DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
