saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
