dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
