he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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