sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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