How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
