Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
