i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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