thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The air was thick with penises
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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