she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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