Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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