I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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