At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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