its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize