I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
