I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
