I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize