It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
