oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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