Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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