did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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