I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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