Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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