I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
