My sheets look like a crime scene.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
