Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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