Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
