My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
