Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
