If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
