he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
