I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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