The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
