I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
