Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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