You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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