someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
