Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
