oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize