Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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