I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
