He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
