i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
