How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he just fucked me for my cheese..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
