shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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