There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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