Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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