I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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