Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
