I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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