I could make wine with my vomit
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
