Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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