I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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