please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well I just put wine in my tea
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
