You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
