My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
