I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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